The Book in a few sentences

Perfectionism is an illness of our modern capitalistic society. Individualism, materialism, and departure from religion have long degenerated our values and promoted unhealthy and unrealistic ideals. Although perfectionists are not unique to our time, the current performance-oriented society is the most adequate environment for them to develop.

Perfectionists have a stiff inner belief, a subjective idealization of the perfect world and themselves. Contrary to virtuous people, who see excellence as a reference, an unreachable aspiration, perfectionists turn it into an imperative. Driven by fear of imperfection, they suffer under the tension between reality and their idealized perception. Unfree, trapped in this dynamic, and unable to cope with this tension, perfectionists can develop disorders like Depression, Burnout, or PTED.

Although perfectionists tend to be intelligent, capable, and self-disciplined, perfection is not a real reference for them. The virtues they advocate for are not truly lived. In their internal logic, Perfection is only an instrument to reach their actual goal——avoiding the cognitive dissonance provoked by the fear of their own imperfection.

Personal Opinion

Writing from his long experience as a psychotherapist, with a curated style and the right balance between technical terms and prosed examples, Bonelli guides us through an exploration journey in which we will discover the thinking mechanisms of people who suffer from a not-so-well-known disorder: Perfectionism, the illness of our current time.

The current relevance of the subject and the unawareness of most perfectionists make this work relevant for all who have heard of words like stress, burnout, or workaholism. Those who want to endure a self-reflection journey, explore the mechanisms behind Perfectionism, and are curious to know if they might suffer from this disorder will find the most valuable insights in this book. People interested in psychology will find in this book a source full of examples, technical words, concepts, and references to both Psychology papers and Philosophy works.

The book is divided into three parts. The first one, which I enjoyed the most, describes perfectionists and the mechanisms behind perfectionism. The second and third parts approach perfectionism from the perspective of society and therapy, respectively. Although the further development of previously exposed concepts might feel repetitive here, other interesting disorders like Anorexia, Orthorexia, or Narcissism and their connexions with Perfectionism are introduced.

SUMMARY

INTRODUCTION

We live in a time in which parents increasingly push their kids to success to the point that they have less and less time for leisure and where interpersonal relationships are displaced by the importance we put on performance.

This collective performance-oriented mindset seems to be the current cause of perfectionism, which can be related to burnout, depression, and other disorders. However, a consensus on a formal definition of perfectionism is still missing among psychologists.

Vice or Virtue

Perfectionism associates value with performance, which perfectly matches the current collective mindset. We are not satisfied when somebody does only what is necessary. Only those who exceed our expectations and excel in one way or another deserve our respect. We constantly strive for self-improvement and find numerous ways to make others notice it——social media as a virtue-signaling platform is the best example of this.

Seeking True Perfection has been defined since Aristotle’s time as the process of unfolding your nature to the best possible version of yourself, a desirable drive for true self-improvement——what defines a virtuous person.

Perfectionists, though, are interested in something other than the journey toward that ideal. Motivated by the fear of being unable to fulfill their expectations, perfectionists seek to appear secure and flawless. With an avoiding attitude, the drive for self-improvement is lost, and, at most, they become mediocre people because you cannot improve if you don’t recognize your imperfection.

The mask of inviolability

Perfectionism manifests itself through dissatisfaction and bitterness. With developed pessimism, victimhood, and a black-or-white mentality, perfectionists negatively affect their own lives and those around them. Others might perceive them as know-it-all, intrusive, inflexible, and arrogant.

A characteristic of perfectionists is an excessive, pathological strive for performance. Only those who are flawless and extraordinary deserve value. Often perfectionists set themselves unreachable goals and suffer from the consequences of their own fear of not being good enough for their self-imposed demands.

They constantly observe themselves and wonder how others perceive them. Perfection is only a mask for them, a means to a goal: avoid their own imperfection. Depression and burnout are, therefore, the natural consequences.

Happiness in violability

The solution for perfectionism goes through three stages:

Acknowledge and remove the inner dogma.
Acknowledge and remove the performance-oriented mentality.
Development of imperfection tolerance.

Only with a realistic self-perception can one become free of internal demands, define proper goals and become a healthy and authentic individual.

PART I – BEHIND THE MASK

CHAPTER 1 – HOW PERFECTIONISTS THINK

Everyone has two main desires: security and freedom.

Perfectionists lean too strongly towards security and avoid confronting failure. The loss of internal freedom is a natural consequence——fear blocks them, turning them rigid and unable to live their lives.

In the literature, we find two significant definitions of Perfectionism:

Joachim Stöber & Kathleen Otto:
Personality with a tendency towards flawlessness, unreachable goals, and excessively critical evaluation of the own actions.
Sabine Wilhelm & Gail S. Stakete:
Convincement that everything has the right solution and that even small mistakes have significant negative consequences.

First insight on perfectionists

Perfectionists have an idealized view of reality and themselves. At some point, an event from the objective reality negates their idealization, and they discover the intrinsic imperfection of the world. Their incapacity to deal with this makes them implode and suffer.

Perfectionists associate value with performance, which can translate into a lack of empathy and humanity, reducing people to their achievements.

The world is a competition for perfectionists. They compare themselves with others and get mortified when they are not the best.

The psyché apparatus of Pism

For perfectionists, perfection is just an instrument to their ultimate goal: avoiding perceiving their own imperfection.

The primary mechanism of Perfectionism is fear. Perfectionists fear not being good enough, not deserving love if they don’t perform enough, being rejected, and not being appreciated. They fear losing their worth if they do not present themselves as flawless. This becomes an interior dogma anchored in the unconscious.

Perfectionists have a panic fear of failure and mediocrity. In order to feel safe, they either repress their mistakes or develop internal shame feelings. They stop living their lives truly and develop dissatisfaction, bitterness, and self-contentment. Depending on their type of perfectionism, they might apply their internal dogma to others, especially their own children.

The should-is-must model

Perfection sets an ideal model, a reference towards which people can spend their lives following and, in the process, grow and develop themselves, unfolding nature to the best version of themselves.

Some literature recommends therapists working to eliminate the ideal, but this approach is short-sighted. People who don’t have an ideal model cannot improve; they are condemned to stagnate, become mediocre and renounce their genius.

To understand why these ideal models become a problem for perfectionists, we must understand the should-is-must model. “Should” is the idea of perfection, what we aim for but can never reach. “Is” is the current state of objective reality. Balanced people understand that “should” is unreachable and that the whole purpose of it is to have a reference to improve the “is”. What defines perfectionists, and the main reason for their suffering, is that they confuse “should” with “must”. They cannot bear the difference between the ideal and the objective reality; therefore, expectations become reproaches—reminders of their own imperfection.

Perfectionists have two options to come to terms with the tension produced by the gap between “should”——their “must”——and “is”:

Repressing the subjective discrepancy to the subconsciousness, resulting in stubbornness, a know-it-all attitude, and council refusal.
Bringing the “must” down to the “is”, reducing the self-demands, resulting in hatred towards rules that question their acts.

It is common for perfectionists to have a delusive self-portrait. They perceive themselves as ideal, flawless, and free from sin——mistakes are not part of their nature. In a confrontation, they struggle to admit fault and blame others, looking down on them.

The perfect past

Mistakes of the past act for perfectionists as reminders of their imperfection. Their feeling of guilt and shame, if repressed, can lead to an emotional blockade. They mistakenly relate past mistakes with their current issues without realizing that their incapacity to let them go is the actual cause.

Perfectionism and psychological disorders

PubMed publications relate perfectionism with many disorders: eating disorders, depression, compulsive disorders, chronic fatigue, social phobia, bitterness, stress, and even suicidal thoughts. Stress is, however, a common factor for most perfectionists who end up in therapy.

Perfectionists usually self-diagnose themselves, failing to realize the real cause of their problems. They focus consequently on the wrong solutions. This dynamic might lead to frustration, emotional reactivity, and even a pessimist failure expectation.

CHAPTER 2 – THE CONTROVERSIAL ASPIRATION

Excellence, and what else?

The strive for excellence is a desirable virtue. It can be the source of motivation to be willing to reach the best version of yourself. Acting according to a set of higher values provides you with a vision and purpose.

This virtue, however, needs to be accompanied by humbleness. Otherwise, it will become arrogance and haughtiness——defects of a narcissist.

Virtuous high-minded people genuinely believe in the ideal they seek. They don’t let inferences from others affect their sense of worth and have a high sense of honor. On the contrary, perfectionists’ sense of self-worth strongly depends on how others perceive them. They don’t honestly believe in the ideals; those are just a means to another goal: to be presented as flawless.

Good job

Working is part of the human nature. Since we are a social species, work can be understood as our contribution to society. It is necessary to have a serving-others mentality to move forward as a group.

Something perfectionists usually don’t understand is that excellence and achievements alone don’t suffice to be happy. In order to enjoy success, you need to turn it into a contribution to society.

The Big Five

The standard model of personalities consists of the “Big Five”, which states that everyone can be characterized by the level of the following five traits:

Extraversion.
Neuroticism.
Openness.
Agreeableness.
Conscientiousness.

Perfectionists can be both extroverts and introverts. They usually present a high level of neuroticism, given their emotional lability and dependency on others. They are generally not open to new things. They are not agreeable, given their tendency towards egocentrism, egoism, competitive mindset, and lack of cooperation. At first sight, perfectionists look very conscientious, but in reality, they are the opposite.

Why do we need conscientiousness?

Conscientious people take things seriously, plan, are effective, and have self-control. The main characteristics that describe conscientious people:

Competence.
Love of order.
Sense of duty.
Ambition.
Self-discipline.
Prudence.

People with high conscientiousness tend to have better grades, a successful career, fewer addictions, stability, and happier marriages. They also tend to have higher performance and leadership qualities.

Conscientiousness also plays a massive role in the quality of your relationships, given the inherent stability, achievement, and parenting qualities.

Perfectionism can be understood as the neurotic way to deal with the strive for perfection——a mere caricature of Conscientiousness.

One of the major differences between Conscientiousness and Perfectionism is that the first relies on intrinsic motivations, like core beliefs, while the second depends on extrinsic ones, like recognition.

Not everybody is a Shakespeare

Excellence is the realization of a given talent; it requires natural talent but much more effort and dedication. Perfectionists——especially parents——seem not to understand the importance of effort in the equation.

People who excel usually do it in one or a small number of fields. In the rest, they are——like most of us——mediocre. Perfectionists cannot deal with mediocrity. When they put their goals and expectation so high and the demands are so unrealistic, their ideals become toxic.

CHAPTER 3 – THE ROOTS OF PERFECTIONISM: THE EGO

Perfectionists struggle with the idea that people might love or appreciate them for no reason. They tend to believe that their acceptance, love, and appreciation need to be deserved and won through performance. That is also the reason why they tend to seek external approval.

The pathological root of Perfectionism is FEAR, which has two components:

Egocentrism.
Compulsivity.

Perfectionists are not interested in blooming or getting closer to perfection. Their interest relies on avoiding others——even themselves——to perceive their own imperfection.

Egocentrism traps you and steals your freedom. It makes you a slave, dependent on external praise, approval, and appreciation. Perfectionists expect appreciation to solve their emptiness, but they will only get short-term satisfaction. Fulfillment cannot be reached externally. This is why they are trapped in this dynamic, where they constantly demand appreciation from people around them, unaware of the burden they impose and the impossibility of getting fulfillment in this way.

Perfectionists are not driven by a quest toward classical values like Beauty, Goodness, or Wisdom; they have an ideal picture of themselves and strive toward that realization. Their egocentrism pushes them towards relating to the world by observing themselves in a third person, becoming their own spectator, looking at themselves not in a mirror but on a stage, playing a role, and constantly wearing a mask. This is why they tend to be inflexible and lack spontaneity and authenticity.

Egocentrism

The human experience can be divided into three major qualities: emotionality, rationality, and morality. Emotions are neither good nor bad. They are part of our reality as humans and can be helpful if put in service of rationality and morality. In this categorization, perfectionists are people who tend to have a weak morality and an overwhelming emotionality that takes over rationality.

Rationality is dependent on our morality. Our brains tend to avoid cognitive dissonance, finding ways to argue against anything that is not in our hearts and rationalizing our actions depending on our set of values. This acts as a stability mechanism to filter emotions that appear naturally. However, if this structure is weak——like in perfectionists——emotions will not be filtered by reason, unconsciously let through, manifesting themselves as changes of humor.

Egocentric emotions are most powerful when remaining in the unconscious. Perfectionists tend to find ways to avoid responsibility, denying their mistakes and finding reasons to push the blame to others. Their set of values is weak, given that their main drive is fear of being perceived as imperfect. Both fear and egocentrism remain undetected by them.

Fear can only be treated through rationalization. That is why perfectionists need to be told about their fear to become conscious of it and eventually rationalize it——weakening the effect of the unconscious emotional component.

The absolutism of partial goals & internal contradiction

Life doesn’t necessarily make things easy, even when people clearly envision what they want. The circumstances might force them to make changes and adapt to new realities. The more flexible people are, the more ways they will find to reach their goals.

Perfectionists have their life planned through their ideal picture of themselves, therefore, struggle with change. The rigidity of their ideal prevents them from adequately setting priorities. They might focus on intermediate steps or partial goals even if the circumstances have changed. Their incapacity to adapt and prioritize traps them in the absolutism of partial goals, making them lose sight of the long-term vision.

The incapacity to prioritize makes perfectionists suffer from internal contradictions. Their focus on partial goals is an unconscious self-deception mechanism that tries to overcome the differences between the ideal and reality. The stronger these differences, the more they will suffer.

Fear as the root of egocentrism

While virtuous people strive toward an ideal, perfectionists are driven by fear. When reality denies their ideal picture of themselves, they feel threatened and might become reactive.

Most perfectionists develop difficulties telling the truth to therapists out of shame of presenting themselves as vulnerable. After so long wearing the mask, they often don’t even know who they really are. Accepting this fact is scary but necessary to start a self-exploration reflecting process.

The neurotic compulsion

Compared to other compulsive syndromes, in Perfectionism, fear of critique or unreached expectations plays a much more critical role. The compulsion, the obsessive thought characteristic of perfectionists, is: “It must be that way”.

Obsesive-Compulsive Personality Disorders (OCPD) and Perfectionism are easily confused, given that people with OCPD might develop some traits characteristic of Perfectionism. However, OCPD has a deeper behavioral pattern that can be found already in the youth. OCPD patients will excessively concern themselves with lists, plans, details, order, rules, etc., so the activity’s point gets lost.

CHAPTER 4 – IT CANNOT BE WHAT SHOULD NOT BE

Having high ideals is necessary for self-growth and maturity, but where a virtuous person takes those ideals as a reference, as “shoulds”, perfectionists turn the “should” into “must”. The difference between the ideal, “should”, and reality, “is”, provokes a tension that perfectionists unconsciously perceive as a threat.

Perfectionists live in inconsistency. On the one hand, they believe they are what others think and say about them——the reason why they constantly seek validation. On the other hand, they reject critique and can be perceived by others as obstinate, intrusive, know-it-all, or arrogant.

Perfectionists play a role for so long that they forget their own selves and feel so close to the mask that any attempt to unmask feels like a personal threat.

Repression of the own imperfection

Repression of their guilt doesn’t allow perfectionists to see conflicts in other ways than putting shame on the other side.

Repression has three major consequences for perfectionists:

They are not free.
They are unable to have successful relationships.
They become angry and bitter to the world.

Fear forces perfectionists to repress their flaws. The internal conflict, given the tension between ideal and reality, makes them unable to develop and limits the scope of action in their lives. This self-imposed limitation makes them unfree.

The unconscious fear of imperfection makes perfectionists repress their mistakes and flaws. Incapable of self-critique, they see conflicts through the lens of their believed flawlessness——they are always right, and others are to blame. This makes it difficult for them to develop deeper relationships.

Repression of their own weaknesses makes perfectionists have a false perception of reality, especially of themselves. When facing discrepancies between reality and their own perception, self-compassion and blaming follow, which can turn into anger and bitterness towards others, towards the whole world. Their focus is set on others’ mistakes, and their incapability to see their flaws might lead them to believe that idiots surround them.

Repression can manifest itself as an aggressive resistance to advice or therapy.

Perfectionists take their ideal as a reference to measure others. This puts them on the borderline of narcissism. Contrary to narcissists, though, perfectionists are driven not by a true sense of superiority but rather by a compulsive fear of their own imperfection. This is why they continuously seek external confirmation that they are doing everything right.

CHAPTER 5 – WHAT THE RESEARCH SAYS

Perfectionism, like other disorders, is studied in psychology through statistics. This can be useful to understand and identify the profile of the patients but gives no insight into the personal inner experience.

Perfectionism is studied under two main categories:

Aspiration’s origin.
Towards whom these aspirations are directed.

Given these characteristics, we can find three types of perfectionists:

Self-oriented.
Socially-forced.
Extraverted.

Self-oriented perfectionists define their high standards and idealization of reality and themselves, imposing all of it on themselves. It has several ramifications, but they have in common that all of them can be related to depression and burnout.

Socially-forced perfectionists are those who take the standards and ideals of others and impose them on themselves. They believe that recognition, love, and appreciation are gained through performance. They constantly seek external approval——especially those from who they take the ideals. It can be related to depression and eating disorders.

Extraverted perfectionists impose their standards and ideals on others——and not necessarily on themselves. This type of perfectionist has the most negative impact on others, especially those emotionally dependent on them——kids, partners, and friends. It can be related to narcissism, distrust, and hostility.

Self-oriented and socially-forced perfectionists don’t necessarily need therapy if they apply perfectionism in a few aspects of their lives and have it under control. Extraverted perfectionists, though, can become a massive burden for their relatives, which can only worsen with time. It is, then, highly recommended that they seek therapy.

The 7 Components of Perfectionism

1. Error in reasoning

The thinking error of perfectionists is that they mistake ideals, “what should be” with necessity, “what must be”. Although they tend to be intelligent and capable people, they suffer the consequences of pushing themselves too much towards an unreachable goal and being unable to cope with the tension between ideal and reality.

2. Mistake sensitivity

Perfectionists are oversensitive to their own mistakes. This is why they resist critique and therapy.

They do not differentiate between themselves and performance; their self-perception is linked to performance.

Self-degradation is very common among perfectionists. A mistake from the past will never be forgotten. But the worst is from extravert perfectionists, who degrade others’ lives, valuing them depending on their performance and being unable to forgive mistakes.

3. Competitive comparisson

Perfectionists think competitively and envy others for the talents they don’t have.

Perfectionists control their performance as a complete job. They develop guilt, embarrassment, and shame if something doesn’t go according to plan.

Embarrassed to admit not knowing something, they might even lie out of shame.

4. Unorganized Order

Perfectionists have the wrong order principles. They usually cannot tell the difference between urgent and important, reason why they spend too much time organizing and don’t do the actual stuff.

5. Inflexibility and lack of vision

Perfectionists are internally stiff and struggle to adapt when partial goals undergo unexpected changes. Their inflexibility leads them to stick to partial goals, losing the overview to the point of unconsciously sacrificing the ultimate goal.

6. Pride and Arrogance

Perfectionists are very proud of their achievements——the fire of their drive. In this virtue-signaling moment, they can become arrogant if they convince themselves to be the only ones responsible for their success——even if it is not true.

7. Black-and-white mentality

Perfectionists miss the nuances. They have an all-or-nothing, black-and-white view of life. This is called bipolar thinking, characterized by changes in mood, radical changes in mentality, or extreme perceptions of values: things are either perfect or not worthy at all. Perfectionists apply this mentality to others and themselves as well.

PART II – THE MIGHT OF THE MASK

CHAPTER 6 – THE PERFORMANCE SOCIETY

We live in a society where the constant improvement of the means of production makes the worker’s role less important, and the dynamics of the capitalistic and global economy alienate them from any connection to their jobs. This explains why nowadays, most people crave self-realization, meaning, and fulfillment, even if they are successful.

The economization of life is also a symptom of our performance-orientated society. People associate worth with earnings. Unpaid activities, like raising children, are considered of less value, even degrading.

Perfectionists usually make their jobs the primary source of meaning, becoming even a family substitute. Two of the most common disorders suffered by perfectionists, as a consequence of their pathological relationship with their jobs, are:

Burnout
Post Traumatic Embitterness Disorder (PTED)

Burnout is the last of the 12 stages defined in 1992 by psychologist Herbert Freudenberger, of a process in which a person becomes mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted due to their job. The first three stages are most common among perfectionists:

Self-pressure to do the job perfectly in order to be praised.
The own irreplaceability and an increase in the working load are believed, given the incapability of delegating.
Needs are put aside if not related to the job: friends, family, food, sleep, etc.

Given the importance perfectionists give to their jobs as the primary source of meaning and their high level of self-deception, the distance between their perception and objective reality might become too big if they get fired. This can lead to Post Traumatic Embitterness Disorder (PTED), which appears when an event in your life is perceived as unjust and produces pathological bitterness, anger, and helplessness. There are four main characteristics of PTED:

There is a trigger event.
Subjective perception of injustice or humiliation.
Anger, bitterness, and helplessness.
Emotional reaction when talking about or remembering the trigger event.

CHAPTER 7 – SLIMNESS AND HEALTH MANIA

Anorexia

Our society has developed so that the body is understood as a vehicle, something one can manipulate and optimize. The level of rejection of the natural body comes with a denial of the self, to the point of being unable to distinguish between embellishment and manipulation. This is why cosmetic surgery has risen exponentially in recent decades, especially among young adults.

Society pressures young people, especially girls, to reach unrealistic beauty standards. This translates into eating disorders like anorexia——which went on mass numbers in the 80s after the weight ideals were changed.

Some mistakenly conclude that anorexic girls’ lack of self-esteem is the disorder’s origin. But this cannot be true since they understand value in terms of how much they push themselves towards weight loss. The thinner they get, the more people will love them.

They reach a point in which their perception is so far away from reality that the impossibility of coping with it forces them to grow even farther away from it.

It is then understandable that some perfectionists fall into the anorexia trap when they focus on trying to control their weight as an expression of their own value.

Orthorexia

When perfectionists focus on nutrition, they can develop Orthorexia, a pathological obsession with following good nutrition habits and avoiding bad ones. The difference between a healthy lifestyle and orthorexia is the level of pressure and obsession and its pathological consequences.

The following are characteristics that help us identify orthorexia:

Obsession about nutrition.
Feelings of guilt when failing to stick to the nutrition plan.
Moral superiority.
Preach the found healthy ways.
Deterioration of life quality.
Behavior sustained over time.

CHAPTER 8 – BEAUTY MANIA

As a society, we took the ideal body of a young, healthy, and perfect person and turned it into a product that everybody is convinced to need, to the point of self-mortification and health deprivation——all for an unreachable ideal.

A perfectionist thinking scheme is behind this kind of phenomenon. Our society as a whole is guilty of becoming progressively banal and empty of values, transmitting and acquiring at the same time these ideals in the most unreflected and uncritical way.

One of the consequences is the increase in people developing Body Dysmorphic Disorders, the obsession that some aspects of our body are flawed.

Although young women are significantly affected by these types of disorders, the number of men developing some variations is increasing. The obsession with a stiff idea of masculinity——especially strength——leads some men to develop Adonis Syndrome, most commonly known as bigorexia, falsely believing that they don’t look strong enough and their muscles are not big enough.

The following are characteristics that help us identify Bigorexia:

High level of perfectionism.
Low self-esteem.
Dissatisfaction with the own body.
Bad or non-existing relationship with a paternal figure.

Surgery as a substitute for therapy

During puberty, it is normal for most people to struggle with their bodies, suffering from different levels of discomfort. Growing up, most of them get over that discomfort and accept themselves as they are. However, a small portion of them grow an unhealthy relationship with their bodies, developing a disorder.

The advances in medicine and the increasing accessibility to cosmetic surgery opened this possibility to a broader part of the population. This became a hugely profitable market for private cosmetic surgeons, 90% of which, attending to some German statistics, would not care about why the patient wants to undergo surgery.

In our society, deformity and beauty depend on the current trend, and personal profit is prioritized over mental health. Unfortunately, most patients who undergo cosmetic surgery will likely suffer a type of dysmorphia, will not be diagnosed nor advised to attend therapy, and surgery will not even solve their disorder.

CHAPTER 9 – PERFECTIONISM IN EDUCATION AND PARTNERSHIP

Perfectionists might keep their Perfectionism hidden for a long time, undetected from others. Still, at the latest, in a close relationship, their thinking structure will show up and trigger the adverse effects of their condition.

The more perfectionists reflect on their Perfectionism, the easier it will be to control and correct it. Untreated Perfectionism will block their lives and relationships.

Introverted perfectionists will indirectly affect the partnership due to their lack of self-esteem. On the other hand, extraverted perfectionists will force their ideals on the relationship, becoming a burden that will only increase over time. Extraverted perfectionists have a more substantial and adverse effect on relationships: they focus on mistakes, blame and overwhelm the partners, and develop an embittered and toxic relationship.

Intrusiveness

A deficit in perfectionists is their inability to discern boundaries. Unconsciously and unintentionally, they perceive interactions in an excessively asymmetrical way. They don’t see people eye to eye; they disproportionately value their own interests, thoughts, and boundaries; while only perceiving others dimly.

Contrary to narcissists, perfectionists do not believe they are better than others. They put the focus so firmly on themselves and perceive reality so strongly through their own perspective that the lack of consideration and empathy makes them unconsciously cross borders and become automatically intrusive.

Perfectionists perceive themselves as virtuous and flawless, while others are not. In an unreflected and unconscious manner, they feel the urge to help those they perceive as flawed. Despite their good intentions, others might perceive them as intrusive, “know-it-alls”, or arrogant, and their help as undesired lecturing——which might go unnoticed by perfectionists.

Perfectionist parents’ intrusiveness is the one example having the most damaging effects on others, who develop an excessively providing attitude toward their children and flatten the way to prevent them from experiencing any difficulty. Children grow up without real-life experience, have a strong dependency on their parents, and do not develop emotionally. They lack reflection and empathy, knowing nothing about themselves or others.

Religious perfectionists

Religious Perfectionism is a contradiction. While Perfectionism is based on fear, Religion should act as a mechanism to reduce fear, fear of death. The opposite happens, though.

Perfectionists cannot believe that God loves them unconditionally; therefore, they change the inner dogma to: “the more you perform, the more God loves you”. T

Perfectionists mistake acting with being, form with substance. They focus on religious values, conduct, rules, and purity; rather than the security of unconditional love to those who present themselves as unperfect and humble.

Intrinsic religiosity comes from convincement and produces fulfillment. These people believe in and live the values of religion, see God as a model to follow, and present themselves as humble and accept their imperfections. On the other hand, extrinsic religiosity severs the own interest. These are people who go to church in order to be seen, who constantly need to show others their good conduct and seek their approval, and who want to belong to the community for their own benefit, but not for others.

Perfectionists live an extrinsic religiosity. They reduce spirituality to moral prescription and prayer to performance. Perfectionist religiosity is a misunderstanding of Religion.

As the priest Johannes B. Torello described, “Some people (perfectionists) confuse the ideal with flawlessness. Instead of loving God (the ideal), they love the ideal picture of themselves. They become rigid with themselves and others.” This is the contradiction of perfectionist religiosity; if you believe you have to present yourself in front of God as pure and flawless so that God doesn’t need to pardon any fault, you don’t need God anymore.

PART III – THE FALL OF THE MASK

CHAPTER 10 – PSYCHOTHERAPY

While neurobiology tries to explain happiness through the right combination of hormones and chemical components, Philosophy, and Psychology, try to do it with the self-responsible acquisition of necessary tools for self-realization.

Psychotherapy is based on the principle that people can change with the support of a professional therapist, but only if they really want to. Opposite to Pavlov’s behavioral conditioning theory, psychotherapy is based on the Aristotelian concept of “Virtue”, which is acquired consciously and willingly, making you grow in skills and wisdom.

Aristotle differentiates three assets to happiness: external, corporal, and spiritual. While external and corporal assets are materialistic and dependent on factors we cannot control, the spiritual asset is the most important and the only one dependent on us. While perfectionists surround themselves with external and corporal assets, a virtuous person cultivates the soul, a conscious decision, a habit, a mindset, and a way of life, dependent only on oneself.

Long-term happiness is not the opposite of short-term satisfaction, but the latter can become an obstacle to the first. It can develop into addiction and loss of control. In psychotherapy, the goal is to accompany the patients so that they can develop, on their own, the necessary tools to find their own way toward happiness.

Every psychotherapy process follows a similar dynamic. First, the patient needs to develop an awareness of self-deception——only with this realization can the patient start the journey toward change. Second, the patient needs to identify the desired virtues and put them into practice.

Immanuel Kant aptly describes four steps towards virtue that match the stages the patient needs to go through in therapy and everyone who want to develop a habit.

Excess:
In this stage, the patients cannot even recognize the desired virtue in their actions.
Incontinence:
Patients develop an unconscious knowledge of the desired virtue, which manifests through guilt or shame.
Continence:
Patients are aware of their flaws and the desired virtue. They act accordingly only thanks to the support of others or by imposition.
Virtousism:
In this stage, the desired virtue is interiorized and lived truly. There is no need for external agents to make sure to act accordingly.

Processing fear

Fear is usually treated in therapy through confrontation. Rationalizing fear helps the patient to process and get rid of its irrationality. In the same way, perfectionists have to become aware of their Perfectionism to rationalize it and be able to change their direction willingly.

Temperance

Temperance is the proper measure between too much and too less, the virtue necessary to live a balanced life. Internal peace and maturity are the consequences of it, as well as long-term happiness.

Perfectionists lack temperance; they appear to be temperate since they cultivate virtues like reliability, order, and self-discipline. This is, however, a mere imitation. Perfectionists unconsciously imitate temperance to gain the inner security they need but don’t truly live those virtues. If they did, they wouldn’t need constant short-term satisfaction in the form of approval, praise, and recognition.

Humbleness, sincerity, and self-criticism are necessary to develop temperance——qualities perfectionists lack.

Efficiency

For perfectionists, tasks tend to take longer because they do them in an excessively precise manner. Their incapacity to prioritize time over quality (their subjective perception of quality) makes them more inefficient than others. They appear to do more because they spend more time than others, which is why they are at risk of burnout.

Envy and Humbleness

In pursuing excellence, it is necessary to have an objective and rational perception of reality and the self. This is humbleness, a virtue most perfectionist lack.

As Josef Piper said, “The virtue of connecting the natural drive towards Excellence with Reason is called humbleness”.

Those who do not accept their limitations as a fact are doomed to self-deception, overestimation, and developing envy toward others. The incapacity to come to terms with the own mediocrity makes self-improvement impossible.

Happiness through temperance means having such inner peace that you can observe the excellence of others and appreciate it without comparing yourself with others, envy, and feel bad about it.

CHAPTER 11 – IMPERFECTION TOLERANCE

Perfectionists do not perceive reality objectively and cannot handle their imperfection and mediocrity. Feeling worthless, they constantly seek external validation. But they will need more than validation to provide them worth. Trapped in a vicious circle, they lose their freedom.

Perfectionists fear patients and, as such, tend to avoid confronting themselves, terrorized by the idea of their fears growing. Treating perfectionists requires time and patience. It is important to point them in which particular cases their perfectionism is blocking their goals and make them understand that what they do is essentially correct, only very cost-inefficient.

Therapy must focus on teaching perfectionists to develop by themselves the necessary tools to overcome their struggles:

Tolerance for imperfection:
Perfectionists must be shown how their perception of themselves differs from objective reality, how unrealistic their ideals are, and how irrational their internal logic is: “should” cannot be “is”. They must understand that their intrinsic value cannot come from an external source. This way, they can develop tolerance for their own imperfection.
Humbleness and self-criticism:
Perfectionists need to understand the mechanisms of perfectionism and its different manifestations. Their egocentrism needs to be pointed out. This awareness will let them start reflecting in a self-critical way and eventually develop humbleness and empathy, recognizing virtues and getting interested also in others and not only in themselves.
Acceptance and responsibility:
Perfectionists can feel their identity threatened when they see themselves exposed without their masks. They might not even know themselves at all. That is why they must develop acceptance for themselves and others. At the same time, they need to take responsibility both for their actions——and mistakes——and for their lives.

CHAPTER 12 – PERFECTIONISTS ON THE COUCH

Perfectionists reach therapy only after a long time due to their tendency to repress failure. Therapy is usually perceived as a sign of being flawed. In this sense, going to therapy is already a step forward in their journey, a sign that they have developed a minimal awareness that something is not right.

Most perfectionist patients don’t know, nor understand the logic of Perfectionism, even though they might say they are perfectionists——usually to signal virtue. Others deny it because they don’t know themselves and have an artificial, unrealistic self-portray, a construct in their own perception of reality.

Explaining the mechanisms of Perfectionism is essential for perfectionist patients to understand and rationalize their internal logic. Only when they identify themselves with the mechanisms, can they move forward.

Internal dogmas are irrational, unreflected, unconscious emotions that go undetected by reason. Once they are outspoken in therapy, they lose their power since they get exposed to reason.

Therapy limits are reached when the patient feels free of shame, without pressure or obligation. Therapy cannot give life insight, only the tools for patients to independently decide and develop their lives.